Anger Management Tips for the Frustrated Parent 子育て中に知りたい アンガーマネジメントとは

Published on: October 07, 2017

Raising little rascals, no matter how delightful, certainly comes with its moments of frustration and anger. How can anger management techniques help us with parenting?


By Cate Katsura [日本語記事へ]  


“I never used to be so irritable, but ever since having a child, I seem to get angry so often!” Losing your temper with a child who doesn’t listen no matter how many times you’ve repeated yourself, yelling at them, and then regretting it afterwards – surely that’s a scenario many parents are familiar with. I recently visited a mommy friend and was struck that she seemed to be much more relaxed than she used to be. When asked about the change, she shared she’d attended an anger management class which helped her to control better her emotions. Intrigued, I decided to join the training seminar.

One of the objectives of anger management is to understand why we get angry, and to better manage that emotion.

Anger management is a psychotherapeutic program that aims to help people with handling their feelings of anger. It was developed in the US in the 70s as part of rehabilitation programs for perpetrators of domestic violence and criminals, and has spread to the point where even some elementary schools implement courses targeting children who have a difficult time controlling their anger. Such courses have gained popularity in Japan over recent years, with many companies incorporating these into their orientation programs. In Bangkok, training exists for Japanese mothers and children. Several years ago in Japan, there was a case where a man who was about to retire was arrested for assaulting his boss on his last day at work. One naturally wonders, why couldn’t he just hold his frustration for just one more day? Even if you don’t go to this extreme, I’m sure many of us have experienced a relationship breakdown because we let our negative emotions get the better of us. “One of the objectives of anger management is to understand why we get angry and to better manage that emotion. Just that, can help make the difference between making a critical misstep, and not,” says Keiko Iijima, a facilitator from the Japan Anger Management Association.


How to Manage Anger

Five other Bangkok moms were part of the anger management training seminar with me. “Things that might not bother me if it were a stranger, I can’t stand it if it’s my own child. It’s like I have the responsibility to raise my child properly, and then end up getting unreasonably angry” shared one participant.

Reflect on your triggers & rate the level of anger

As part of the training, participants reflected on recent incidents where they got angry, and attempted to objectively rate the level of anger on a number scale.

Identify whether it’s something you CAN change

Next, they grouped what triggered their anger as either ‘what I CAN change’ and ‘what I CANNOT change’. For example, if you got irritated at a slow store check-out line, that would fall into the category of ‘what I cannot change.’

Find ways to get through the irritation

So then you would look for ways to get through that irritation by taking calming breaths, or perhaps by distracting yourself by reading the names of the candies on sale next to the register. “It’s said that the peak of emotion lasts six seconds. So if you can get through those six seconds, you’re more likely to be able to make better decisions,” says Keiko.

If it’s something you CAN change: Specific goals & concrete steps

On the other hand, if you categorize your child’s behavior into ‘what I can change,’ then you need to be specific about what it is that you want to achieve and take concrete steps. For example, I often got angry with my son for wanting to go off and play during meals rather than eat. So we agreed that the goal for him was to ‘eat at least one bite of each dish.’ Once he could do that, I started giving him smaller portions and upped the goal to ‘eat everything on his plate.’ He would get a sticker every time he did, and when he had 10 stickers he’d get a reward. Setting a clear goal helped my son to engage in a positive way while lowering parental stress – a definite improvement over getting angry and feeling mutually unhappy.

Anger flows strongly from the source and weakens with distance, striking those closest to us with the greatest heat. Understand the basics of anger management, release feelings of anger before they escalate to a big explosion, avoid getting upset at your child just to release your own stress. It’s not easy to implement the ideal, but it can only be good if it helps us to remain conscious of how to avoid hurting one’s most precious children.  


Tips for managing anger

When you become angry…

  • Wait six seconds. Don’t say or do anything in response until that peak of anger is passed. This rule can be understood even by young children.
  • Determine whether the cause is ‘what I CAN change’ vs. ‘what I CANNOT change,’ and ask yourself ‘How important is this to me?’ If it falls in the category of  ‘what I cannot change’ but is important, then first accept what you cannot change and then work to find an alternate solution.

  Reference: Anger Management Basic Course. Tokyo: Japan Anger Management Association.  






アンガーマネジメントは、怒りの感情と上手に付き合っていくための心理トレーニング。アメリカでは1970年代からDVや犯罪者の矯正プログラムとして開発され、現在では「キレやすい子ども」などへの対策として多くの小学校でも講習が行われています。 日本ではここ数年で広まり、企業研修の一環として講座なども開かれています。バンコクでは、主に育児中の日本人女性を対象に講座が開催され、最近では子どもを対象にした講座も行われています。 以前日本では、定年退職の日を迎えた男性が社長に暴力を振るってしまい、逮捕されたという事件がありました。なぜ、その最後の一日に我慢できなかったのかーー。誰しもが思うことですが、ここまでではなくとも、激しく怒ってしまったが故に人との関係が気まずくなってしまったという経験を持つ方はいるのではないでしょうか。 「アンガーマネジメントのポイントの一つは、自分の怒りの傾向を知り、その感情と上手に付き合っていく(management)こと。それを知っているかどうかで、致命的な間違いをしないで済むようになります」と講師の日本アンガーマネジメント協会ファシリテーターの飯島敬子さん。



当日、講座の参加者は、バンコクで子育て中の5人のお母さんたち。「他人であれば気にならないことことも、我が子だけに我慢できない。育てる責任を感じ、過剰に怒ってしまう」のが悩みといいます。 3年から5年というスパンで母国や他国へ引っ越さなくてはいけないという人が多い駐在妻たち。母国とは違って祖父母や旧友がいないといった海外での子育て中ならではのストレスもあるように見えます。それが、怒りの感情を強くしてしまう傾向もあるのかもしれません。




次に、怒りの対象を「変えられること」と「変えられないこと」に仕分けします。 例えば、レジ待ちの時に時間がかかる人がいてイライラしてしまった場合。その状況は「変えられない」ので、深呼吸したり、例えばレジ横のお菓子の名前を読んで気を紛らわしていると、その場をやり過ごすことができます。「感情のピークは6秒と言われています。その時間待つことができれば、より良い選択ができるはず」と飯島さん。


一方で、子どもに関することを「変えられる」とした場合、子どもがいうことを聞かなければ、いつまでにどのくらいできればいいか考え、そのために努力していきます。 例えば我が家では、子どもがご飯をなかなか食べてくれず、すぐに遊ぼうとするので叱るのですが、ただ怒っても食事を嫌がってしまうだけなので、「全メニューを最低一口ずつは食べる」と決め、それができるようになってから、今度はご飯をなるべく少なく盛り、すべて食べるようにすることを目標にしています。また、すべて食べられた日にはシールをあげていて、それが10枚集まったらご褒美をあげるというルールをつくりました。


ただ漠然と叱っていても、お互い嫌な気分になるだけなのですが、目標がはっきり決まっていると子どももやる気を持ってゴールに向かっていけるので、親のストレスも減りました。 怒りの感情は、力の強いところから力の弱いところに流れ、身近な対象ほど強くなる性質があるといいます。アンガーマネジメントの基本をふまえつつ、怒りは溜め込まずに小出しにし、怒ることで自分のストレスを発散するのではなく、子どものことを思って叱るーー。 なかなか理想通りにはいきませんが、最愛なる子どもの心を傷つけずにすむよう、少しでも意識することが大事なのではないかと思います。   *アンガーマネジメント講座はボイスホビークラブで月1、2回行われています。申し込み・問い合わせはTEL: 02-119-7250へ。  



  • イライラした際には、怒りのピークである6秒間は言い返したり、やり返したりしない。(これは小さなこどもでも理解できます。)
  • 怒りの感情を持ったときに、「変えられること」と「変えられないこと」に仕分けし、かつ重要度を考える
  • 「変えられる」と仕分けした場合、変えられるよう具体的に目標を決めて努力していく。「変えられないけれど重要性が高いもの」については、変わらないことを受け入れた上でできることを探す。

参考文献: 『アンガーマネジメント入門講座テキスト』一般社団法人日本アンガーマネジメント協会


About the Author

Cate worked in Japan as editor of a travel magazine, advertisements and a web magazine with a publishing company, a subsidiary of Japan Railways. She moved to Bangkok with her husband in 2015, when he located to work in Thailand. They have a 3-year-old son. Cate has a global background, born in the United States, brought up in Hong Kong and Japanese by origin. Her interests are learning languages, traveling and reading. Lately, she finished a Thai language course. Now, onto improving her English language skills!


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