Balancing Giving With Self-Care

By Anatta (Anna) Zarchi
 

While caring for their children and families, it’s easy for parents to get lost in their responsibilities and neglect caring for themselves. Some may think this is a necessary sacrifice, but did you know that self-care is beneficial not only for your own well-being but for your children’s as well? Counselors Johanna and Rex—the founders of NCS with over 40 years of experience—and counselor Savinee—who specializes in working with young children—share their insights on the importance of self-care for parents. 

Why self-care matters for parents 

First and foremost, self-care is vital for preventing burnout. You may be able to keep going for a while despite the exhaustion, but once you reach the point of severe burnout, you may not be able to care for your children in the way you want to. Taking care of yourself helps you reduce stress and stay energized, healthy, and grounded, both emotionally and physically. This in turn improves your ability to take care of your family. When a parent is clearly exhausted, children often become unsettled and may act out. Self-care enhances a person’s ability to communicate and manage conflict, which is essential in emotional regulation and expression. A tired parent is more likely to “explode” or vent their negative emotions towards their children. Being in a good state of mind helps you to respond with patience and understanding. 

While taking care of yourself may feel counterproductive, it’s actually an act of strength that supports the whole family’s well-being. Additionally, children tend to mimic their parents’ behavior. Thus, by seeing you practice self-care, they too learn to be kind to themselves. As Johanna and Rex say, “In general, a happy parent equals a happy child.” 

The main barrier to self-care 

The main thing that often discourages parents from practicing self-care is guilt. Parents tend to view children as the center of their universe, causing them to view their own well-being as less important, so that taking any time for themselves makes them feel guilty. This can also be true for parents with demanding jobs and responsibilities. When you don’t have a lot of time left for your children, you may feel guilty not spending all that time with them. This is when asking for help comes in—whether it’s getting a nanny, joining playgroups, or asking family members for support. You may feel guilty because caring for your child is supposed to be your responsibility, but asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a sign of strength. Finding your balance with the help of others doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent—it means you’re doing what’s best for your child’s care under the current circumstances. 

Recognizing that it’s time to show yourself some kindness

There are various techniques you can use to practice kindness towards yourself, but before we get there, there’s something else you must achieve first: self-awareness. Without self-awareness, you wouldn’t even think to make any changes. Recognizing that you need to show yourself more kindness allows you to actually put helpful strategies in place. 

Our biggest tip is this: being aware of your mood is the key to recognizing that it may be time for some self-care. Feeling irritable, grumpy, angry, frustrated, or moody are all signs it’s time to take a step back. These feelings reflect ongoing exhaustion from neglecting yourself. 

Feelings of resentment for having to take care of others all the time may arise even while you experience guilt at the thought of having some time for yourself. This is especially relevant for mothers taking care of newborns—a challenge that involves 24/7 care and many sleepless nights. This can cause your world to become very narrow, which is why it’s important to find solutions that help you balance caregiving and having time for yourself. 

Parents may also need to re-evaluate their roles and responsibilities. Should the other parent step in more? Should external help be brought in? What strategies work best for your family? 

Self-care strategies: being kind to yourself to better support your family

Once you develop the self-awareness to realize that you may need more time for yourself, there are certain techniques you can use to manage your time and energy. 

Plan your schedule each week: If you’re sharing caretaking duties with someone else, it’s good to do this with them so your expectations, needs, and responsibilities are aligned and you don’t need to figure things out day by day or even hour by hour.

Plan time for self-care: It’s hard to spontaneously do something for yourself when caring for young children. As part of your weekly planning, give yourself an allotted time for self-care activities like seeing your friends, getting coffee, practicing your hobby, or even just time alone to read, watch TV, or sleep. 

Mommy/daddy day off: A strategy some families use is to have a day where one parent is “off” from parenting duties while the other parent takes charge. Then they can swap later on. An issue with short breaks is that sometimes you don’t have enough time to fully recharge, but with this technique each parent gets a full day to rest and come back refreshed and energized. 

Playdates, playgroups, nannies, and family help: Playdates are a good way for parents from different families to alternate getting rest. Playgroups are also great as they are regularly scheduled, which makes them easy to plan around. Finally, it may be helpful to have a nanny on-hand or to ask family members—who will probably be thrilled to spend time with your child—to help out! 

Conclusion: viewing self-care as essential 

Children in balanced, peaceful environments tend to flourish. Balanced parents tend to have more balanced children. Parents with a positive sense of well-being create a higher sense of security for their children, which is a key component in building self-esteem. As guilt is a main obstacle in practicing self-care for many parents, try to remind yourself that children mimic your thoughts and behaviors. Seeing you neglect your self-care could inadvertently teach them that being kind to themselves is not important, which could cause them to struggle with this growing up, potentially leading to burnout, anxiety, and depression. Finally, we hope you remember that while being kind to yourself benefits the whole family, being kind to yourself just for your own sake is also important. However, if this is something you currently struggle with, it’s more than OK to use your family’s well-being as a driving force to be kind to yourself. 

About the Author

Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), an internationally recognized mental health center in Bangkok with a diverse team of licensed counselors. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more. ncsbkk.com/ncs/