Breaking the Cycle: Moving Past Generational Trauma for a Brighter Future

By Claudia Gomez

We understand that when parents love their kids, they want the best for them. However, it can be difficult to grasp that, as a parent, you may unintentionally lead your children to a place where they need therapy, coaching, counseling, or other forms of support to process the impact of your actions.

Parents are the most psychologically significant figures in a child's life, regardless of the type of family they come from. Whether parents are alive, deceased, together, divorced, separated, same-sex, or single, they will always leave their children with something to work through.

This may sound negative, but that is not the case. If you reflect on your own childhood, you have likely thought about things you didn't want to replicate from your parents or even said, "When I have kids, I will do things differently."

Many of us are unaware of the impact that family behaviors, emotional patterns, and belief systems have on our lives and those of our children. It is only when we are open and ready for change that we begin to recognize these influences.

Breaking these cycles is crucial, not only for your child's future but, more importantly, for your own well-being. Understanding these cycles leads to emotional balance and healthier relationships. It helps dissolve fears, outdated beliefs, and habits that no longer serve you.
 

What is generational trauma?

Generational trauma refers to the emotional wounds passed down from parents to children. This transmission can occur through communication styles, unspoken rules, avoidance of certain topics, and parenting approaches.

It can manifest in various ways, such as verbal, physical, or psychological abuse, neglect, abandonment, addiction, or other dysfunctional behaviors. Additionally, it can stem from traumatic experiences parents have endured, such as wars, discrimination, poverty, or challenging upbringings. Parents are shaped by their life experiences, which influence the way they parent and behave according to their beliefs.
 

How does this pattern continue across generations?

Repeated exposure to certain experiences makes them feel normal. Humans are incredibly adaptable and find ways to cope, even in the worst situations. Children, being resilient and intelligent, learn survival mechanisms that may stay with them throughout their lives—sometimes without them even realizing it.

When we grow up in an environment where certain patterns are ingrained, we unconsciously adopt them as our reality. Over time, these experiences shape the way we perceive relationships, success, self-worth, and emotional safety. Many individuals find themselves repeating their parents’ behaviors despite vowing to do things differently. This is because our subconscious mind is deeply influenced by early childhood experiences.

It is important to note that parenting does not come with a manual. Parents do the best they can with the knowledge and resources they have. Generational trauma is not about assigning blame but recognizing an opportunity for healing and transformation. It is a chance to evaluate whether you are living the life you truly want or if you are still operating under inherited beliefs.

You may find yourself asking:

● What makes me so anxious?

● Why is it hard for me to connect with people?

● Why are my family relationships so difficult?

● Why do I feel invisible sometimes?

● Why am I so fixated on that person?

● Why do I need that person's approval?

● Why do I feel the need to be so independent in relationships?

● Why am I so angry all the time?

These questions indicate that you may be carrying emotional burdens from the past, such as anxiety, guilt, shame, emotional numbness, fear of rejection or abandonment, avoidance or attachment issues, and fear of vulnerability or intimacy.
 

Recognizing the signs of generational trauma

You might notice recurring behavioral patterns, including toxic relationships, lack of boundaries, difficulty expressing yourself, low self-worth, perfectionism, self-sabotage, or overachievement. Family narratives also play a crucial role, with phrases like:

● We don’t have money.

● Our family is unlucky.

● You have to be smart.

● You are not beautiful.

● Don't cry.

● Life is not easy.

● You will only succeed if you follow my path.

● Rich people are bad.

These statements, often repeated across generations, reinforce limiting beliefs and shape an individual’s self-perception. Without questioning them, these patterns continue to control our decisions and behaviors, often leading to emotional distress and dissatisfaction.
 

The impact of generational trauma

Some of the effects on individuals and families include:

● Anxiety, depression, stress, and difficulty connecting with oneself

● Challenges in forming deep, meaningful relationships

● Harsh self-criticism and criticism of others

● Overprotectiveness or controlling tendencies

● Emotional distance and difficulty in expressing emotions

Understanding how these influences shape your interactions at work, in relationships, and in life is essential for personal growth. 
 

How do we break the cycle?

Leaving the cycle of generational trauma is possible, but it requires openness and commitment. It is not an easy process, as it demands letting go of deeply ingrained beliefs and making space for a new, more authentic version of yourself.
 

Steps to breaking the cycle

Self-awareness: identify inherited wounds, beliefs, and emotional patterns that no longer serve you.

Self-reflection: regularly check in with yourself, observe your emotions, and assess whether your actions align with your true desires.

Acceptance and recognition: acknowledge that your past has influenced you but does not have to define your future.

Education and learning: read about trauma, psychology, and emotional intelligence to empower yourself with knowledge.

Community and support: surround yourself with people who encourage personal growth and healing.

Tools that can help

Inner child work: a process that aids in healing childhood wounds and traumas.

Therapy and coaching: professional support to challenge limiting beliefs, enhance self-awareness, and promote growth.

Family constellations: a therapeutic approach developed by Bert Hellinger that reveals hidden family dynamics and emphasizes belonging, order, and balance within the family system.

Compassion: cultivating empathy for yourself and others, recognizing that everyone does the best they can with the knowledge they have.

Self-love: prioritizing your well-being—emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Rewriting your story: applying new insights to reshape your present and future.

Creating new family traditions: establishing healthier patterns for future generations.

The world offers numerous resources to help parents raise emotionally intelligent children. Parents who foster open communication, emotional vulnerability, and self-awareness equip their children with the tools to navigate life healthily.

Healing is a journey that requires time and effort, but it leads to personal and familial well-being. Remember, you always have a choice. You are not bound by inherited beliefs or past wounds. You can break free from what no longer serves you—even when it involves the most significant people in your life.

You are not alone. Generational trauma affects the vast majority of people worldwide. Support is available. Your courage to challenge the status quo may one day be a source of pride for your family. Believing in and working on yourself is the most powerful way to teach your children to do the same.

 
About the Author

Claudia Gomes is an expert in emotional intelligence and intercultural awareness, and an ICF-certified Level 2 transformative coach. With 19 years of international experience in Spain and Thailand, Claudia is an expert in bridging cultures and fostering global collaboration. She has spent the last 15 years in Bangkok. contact@claudiagomes.coach; linkedin.com/in/claudiagomes-coach/