A Colorful World
By Rachel Ofo
“But Mommy, I’m not black,” my daughter innocently commented from the backseat. I was so taken aback; I didn’t know how to respond. I simply continued driving, trying to navigate the situation while navigating the road ahead. She eventually finished off with, “I’m light brown.” Turns out, I allowed my overthinking to get the best of me. In her six-year-old mind, her skin was not actually “black”. She didn’t understand the concept of race and the terms that came with it. However, at that moment, I realized that even if she didn’t understand it now, she would eventually have to, especially living in a society where things like race, ethnicity, and nationality are driving forces behind decisions made every day.
The conversation took another turn when I relayed what happened to my husband, and he replied, “But she’s white too.” Again, I was stuck. In all my daughter’s years of being alive, I had never thought of her as white. I automatically attributed my race to her when she was indeed 50% white. I knew nothing about growing up white. I knew nothing about growing up biracial. I realized at that moment, I had to determine how I would raise my daughter in a world I was completely ignorant of.
Now, before anyone gets offended because I “should be raising her to be a good human being”, true. However, we live in a society where people can’t look at you on the train and discern that you’re a good person. What they can probably tell, though, is what general part of the world you’re from, and from that, stories and preconceived notions will build in their minds with little to no effort at all. So yes, my daughter is being raised to be a decent human being, and I’m hoping her personality shines through everywhere she goes. However, I also understand that when people see her, they will know that she is biracial.
The idea of race, ethnicity, and nationality has a long, sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet history. Without boring you with historical details, I’ll keep this simple by saying that even when we don’t think it’s relevant, race, and, more importantly, self-identification is what the world around us sees. Living in Thailand, it was a constant stream of “Where do you come from?” Then, when I traveled anywhere else, there was an added layer of complexity, because although culturally I’m Nigerian, I’m an American citizen, but I also lived in Thailand. People are curious. People want to find and make connections. But to connect with a person, that person has to know who they are.
Being a black woman has allotted me a variety of experiences. Every part of the world I’ve travelled to, I’ve had stories to share that were very specific to my race. Some were pleasant, some were struggles. One thing I never struggled with, though, was knowing who I was. It can be quite different for someone who is biracial.
Having been raised in Southern California and then moving to Bangkok, I have a lot of biracial and multicultural friends. One thing they all shared with me was their need to fit in. Unfortunately, many never felt completely welcomed where they were. They were either too much or not enough of one side. There was a constant battle within themselves to embrace each side, without forsaking the other. Many of my friends were left feeling less than or othered. Now, as an adult, my task is to help my child either completely forgo feeling this or at least keep those feelings to a minimum.
From that short conversation with my daughter, I realized what not to do, which was force my daughter into a box she didn’t necessarily fit in. As much as I wanted to scream, “You are black!”, that would’ve just led to a very confused child whose idea of color came from a crayon box. Fortunately, society today is obsessed with searching and seeking. One of the best things you can do to help your biracial/multicultural child have a sense of self is to research. Find other parents in similar situations, chat with other adults who have navigated the various worlds that multiculturalism brings, and finally, talk with your child. Avoiding the conversation simply because you haven’t lived it may prove to be damaging to both you and your child, so keeping the communication line open is most beneficial.
One mom shares how, although her daughter leans towards one side, she takes steps to ensure her daughter gets a healthy exposure to both sides. This included moving from a culturally homogeneous state to California, where there was plenty of everything. She’s also done her due diligence to learn certain practices from the side she’s not familiar with, to teach her daughter. This is a great example of how we can help our children understand their identity without compromising on any of their backgrounds. Plenty of books and trips around the country have helped her daughter meet the goal of never feeling inadequate.
This is a similar route to that my husband and I have taken. We’ve been fortunate enough to be able to visit both sides of the family. My daughter has met her cousins in the UK and her cousins in Nigeria. She will start taking Igbo lessons to ensure her connection to the culture, while holding a British passport. Everything we do now will hopefully help her build a strong sense of self.
Racial and ethnic backgrounds shouldn’t be used as a way to judge, but as a way to open up doors to possible connections. In a world that’s becoming ever more connected, it’s important to understand where to draw boundaries and how to navigate racial spaces even when you’re not directly connected to those spaces. My daughter will get first-hand experiences from my life as a black woman, but she will also build new experiences that she will get to share with me. My only hope is that I will do all I can as a parent and give her the proper tools to get through those lived experiences that I’ve never had to deal with. I hope that wherever she finds herself, she feels loved and accepted. And that when she finds herself in places where warmth isn’t prevalent, she understands the importance of removing herself. The world is a big place with lots of people, so let’s do our part to help those we come in contact with feel part of our world, regardless of which part of the world they came from.
About the Author
Rachel Ofo moved from the US to Bangkok in 2016 and spent six and a half years there. She has a daughter, whom she loves dragging around on various adventures like hikes and fishing trips. In her free time, she enjoys reading, watching movies, and trying new restaurants. She also enjoys being out in nature.