Handling Separation: The Best Way for Your Children

By Anna Zarchi

Managing relationship struggles, separation, or divorce can be tricky with children. It may feel like hurting your children is inevitable. Though navigating this kind of situation can be difficult, some methods make the process smoother and healthier for your children. 

I recently watched the movie “Spellbound” on Netflix which deals with this topic. I thought it would be a great watch for many families. To summarize: a mysterious and powerful spell has turned Princess Ellian’s parents into monsters, and she has taken it upon herself to save them. She ventures with them into a magical forest to find a way to reverse the spell. Throughout the journey, her parents constantly argue, but she believes reversing the spell will make her family happy again, just as it used to be.

At the movie’s climax, her parents reveal to Ellian that their relationship has been struggling for quite some time and things can’t return to how they used to be. Their journey helps them realize that their conflict was the cause of their monstrous transformation and that separation would be healthier. A dark cloud descends on Ellian at this revelation, threatening to turn her into a monster as well. She sings about how hurt she feels that her parents are giving up, asking what’s going to happen to her; after everything she's endured, what's going to happen to her.

So how does Ellian come to accept her parent’s separation? What do her parents do? The story seems bleak at this point, but it ends well. Before we get to that, let’s look at a few lessons here that our counselors at NCS help unpack. 

“Children need to know what’s happening, don’t tell them things are okay when it’s not,” counselor Dave highlights. Parents often hide their conflict with good intentions—they don’t want to burden their children. However, this can end up causing them more pain in the long run. For most of the movie, Ellian is unaware of her parents’ conflict. She knows they tend to argue, but thinks that everything is okay, which is why her parents’ decision to separate becomes unbearably overwhelming for her. Letting your child know what is happening can help minimize the shock. Counselor Rex adds, “It is best to tell your children of the decision with both parents present.”

So how much should you tell them? Counselor Johanna advises giving them a general overview without going into too much detail. As seen with Ellian, children often think the conflict involves them and may try to improve the situation to get their parents back together. The more details they know, the higher the chance of them attempting to solve the conflicts. You can simply tell them that you are going through a difficult time while assuring them that this conflict is not about them and does not affect your love for them in any way.

Struggling couples may sometimes get caught up in their emotions towards their partner, which they then express to their children. All of our counselors would like to stress the importance of remaining respectful and not talking negatively about the other parent to your children. “Don’t try to get the children on your side just to hurt the other person,” counselor Pam says, “This turns your child into a weapon within the conflict.” Parents also sometimes use their children as messengers without realizing how harmful it is. Getting angry and saying things like “Go tell your mother/father that…” places the burden of the conflict upon the child’s shoulders. They now carry the weight of going between the parents and trying to resolve the conflict for them. This can be very difficult for them to handle emotionally and could affect their relationship with either parent. It is ideal for the child to maintain a positive relationship with both parents if possible. 

Children can develop certain responses to tension and conflict in the household. This can be in the form of lashing out, throwing tantrums, withdrawing, isolating themselves, or fighting with siblings—an unconscious method of distraction to get the parents to stop fighting. If unresolved, these responses could affect the child’s development and emotional world as they grow into adulthood.

Counselor Rex recommends, “If you are unable to reconcile your differences, find a third (non-attached) person to mediate, such as a counselor or mediator, to avoid putting your children in the middle of the conflict.” Though marriage counseling can help couples strengthen relationships, it can also help navigate separation in a healthier way for both you and your children. 

One of the best things to do for your child while navigating a deteriorating relationship is to prioritize them. Tell them you love them, and that they will always be important to you regardless of whether or not you are together. Make it clear that this separation is due to your differences. Your decision to not be together doesn’t mean you love them any less. Parents sometimes avoid divorce, hoping that keeping the family together will be better for their children. However, sometimes separation is simply the healthier option for everyone. As one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs goes, “Trying to stay for the kids, when keeping it how it is will only break their hearts worse…you know when it’s time to go.” 

You are both worthy of finding happiness, and a healthy separation process can help your child accept this while still feeling just as loved by both parents. This is how Ellian’s parents help her accept the situation and relieve her of her burden. They acknowledge their mistakes in how they have handled the situation so far and reassure her that they will always love her and put her first regardless of their issues: “We forgot to calm your fears. We forgot to feel your pain. We forgot to notice you were under too much stress and strain. I don’t know quite how, but we forgot that you come first, no matter what. We forgot to say how much we love you and that we always will.” 

It’s easy to get caught up in all the emotions that may accompany a separation or divorce, but don’t lose sight of the most important thing—your love for your children and their well-being.

About the author

Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), an internationally recognized mental health center in Bangkok with a diverse team of licensed counselors. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more.