Healing from Within: How Childhood Trauma Affects Parenthood

By Anatta Zarchi

Think about some extreme parenting characteristics—too strict, too controlling, too protective. Now think about where those characteristics come from. Perhaps strict mothers are trying to fulfill the expectations they themselves faced, or perhaps overly cautious mothers had reckless parents. Childhood experiences impact various aspects of adulthood, including motherhood. When trauma is unresolved, it stays within your mind and body, whether you have memories of it or not. And so, parents sometimes raise children with the experience of their own trauma, unknowingly continuing a cycle.  

What is trauma?

Firstly, we must understand what trauma means. NCS counselor Tatiana says, “Trauma, broadly defined, is a challenging event, or series of events, in which something disrupts your sense of well-being, connection, and safety. It might have happened too quickly and too overwhelmingly, and/or there was not enough support over a period of time. Post-traumatic stress happens when our nervous systems and thinking processes remain stuck in the traumatic circumstance, even when time has passed and the situation or people have changed.”

NCS counselor Joy distinguishes between major trauma and hidden trauma. Major traumas are impactful and identifiable events that have a clear effect on mental health, such as accidents, natural disasters, abuse, harassment, shootings, and so on. Major traumatic events can sometimes be repressed or minimized as a self-defense mechanism. 

Hidden traumas are things that hurt and impact us on a less identifiable scale. For example, having parents who are always working and never pay attention to you, or not having friends at school. These experiences are part of daily life and usually do not include a major event, hence why they are “hidden”. These examples are less tangible and therefore less obvious; however, they can still be deeply impactful and just as hurtful. Hidden and repressed or minimized trauma can make it difficult for you to connect the dots between the trauma and the emotional/behavioral consequences. Nevertheless, people have unique experiences with trauma that may not fit this general description, and I urge you to examine your own experiences individually.

People are often less conscious of hidden trauma as these are usually things that were part of the person’s norm. NCS’s founder and counselor Johanna raises this example: if someone was constantly body-shamed and told to stop eating growing up, they might let their own children eat junk food excessively. This isn’t caused by lack of love but is due to the mother’s own hidden trauma. Because the mother’s diet was controlled growing up, she wants her children to be able to eat without worrying about their body the way she had to. She is trying to do things differently from the experiences that hurt her, fulfilling things she didn’t have in childhood. 

Here’s another example: mothers who were abused might become over-protective of their children, trying to protect them from the dangers that they themselves faced. “Parents often give their children more or less of something based on their own bad experiences,” Johanna explains. This creates a generational cycle: if the child in the first example develops health issues, they might end up excessively controlling their own child’s diet, and so forth.

Our trauma and our children’s emotional world

Trauma affects our emotional world, which in turn affects our parenting. Johanna says, “When parents are depressed or angry as a result of their own trauma or other experiences, children often think they are the cause.” As a result, this affects the child’s relationship with the parent and creates emotional issues. For example, they might grow up thinking they are the cause of other people’s negative emotions, causing them to become a people-pleaser, or to have low self-esteem or anxiety. 

It is essential that parents help children realize that they are not the cause of their parents’ emotional struggles. Witnessing a parent’s emotional turmoil is difficult, but the burden can be lessened by knowing that they aren’t at fault. Parents might not think of telling their children this—it’s clearly not their fault, right? Why would they think that? A child’s emotional world is closely tied to their parents’. They do not yet understand that their parents’ mood could be due to other things, especially if it is directed at them or expressed in front of them, even subtly. Things that are obvious to us are not always obvious to others, especially to young children!

Johanna shares that an especially challenging time for mothers is, “when the child is the same age as the mother was when she experienced trauma, that can often trigger the mother. Her memories of her experiences at that age may come back, affecting her mental health and parenting.” Additionally, parents may also unconsciously push their own fears onto their children. For example, if a mother had a traumatic experience with thunderstorms, they might get anxious during a storm and tell their child, “It’s alright, there’s nothing to be afraid of,” even though the child has never before expressed this fear. This tells the child that thunderstorms are something to be scared of, causing them to fear them too.

How to recognise hidden trauma

So how can you tell if you have hidden trauma that might affect your parenting? Joy shares some examples: “Being overprotective, too strict, over-worrying, excessive spoiling, or having a certain set of expectations”. Parents sometimes take out their emotions on their children, turning the child into an outlet even if the issue does not lie with them. But how can you gauge these things when they may seem right to you due to your own experiences? 

The answer lies in your relationships, primarily with your child. Are they scared or subdued around you? Do they talk to you? Do they often change the subject to something “safer”? Feeling safe and comfortable around one’s parents is a good sign, and doesn’t mean that your child is spoiled. There may also be clues in how you interact with others outside the family.

Johanna and Joy unanimously agree on the key to starting your healing journey: self-awareness. All of the examples given above require a certain degree of self-awareness—that you are struggling emotionally, going to extremes, using your child as an outlet, and more. Johanna says, “When you are aware of your own triggers, you break the cycle; when you’re not aware of it, it often repeats.” To start cultivating self-awareness, Joy recommends talking to the people around you and being open to what they say. 

Another useful tip is to give yourself a “time-out” when you start to get emotional. If you are about to shout at your child, hold yourself back and remove yourself from the situation for the time being; this gives you time to reflect before interacting. If your child has done something wrong, assure them that you love them even if you’re disappointed about this specific situation, and let them know that you need time before responding. This can help prevent you from doing or saying something you might regret out of anger. This method is a challenge with younger children, so we recommend leaving them with another caretaker while you take a few minutes for yourself if possible.

Developing self-awareness takes time. Even if you sometimes forget, it gets easier every time. You can also ask yourself: is this something I can handle on my own? Or should I see a professional? Seeing a therapist can be beneficial for both you and your child as you continue to raise them. Sometimes we need to work on ourselves and address these personal traumas in order to do what’s best for our children. Finally, Johanna shares one last piece of advice: “Reflect on the good things from your childhood, and pass those on to your children.” We often think of generational cycles as a curse, but don’t forget that they can also be a blessing.

About the Author

Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), the first and only licensed mental health center in the heart of Bangkok. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more. 

Contact: info@ncsbkk.com; Phone: +66-2-114-7556; ncsbkk.com; FB/IG: @ncsbkk.