Helping Kids Thrive Through Life’s Big Shifts
By Anatta Zarchi
During my college interview in 2019, I was asked how I felt about change. I answered honestly that I hate it and I would probably spend the first few days to weeks at college crying and wanting to go home, but I would still go to classes and do my coursework to my usual standard. I also told them that change and uncertainty have always scared me, but that over the course of my adolescence, I built the resilience to get through it, even when everything felt unbearably overwhelming. I know I’m not alone in finding change challenging.
Change comes with uncertainty, something many people are apprehensive of, and something that can be especially unsettling for young children. Though change is sometimes welcome, there is often an element of doubt or fear associated with it, even when it’s accompanied by excitement. Let’s take a look at what change means for children, how parents can guide their children through these transitions, and how to foster resilience to make dealing with change easier.
Why can change be so challenging for children?
Children going through big transitions are often dealing with grief, fear, and confusion. NCS counselor Tatiana shares her experience of moving from Thailand to Canada and back, all before the age of nine, and how readjusting and dealing with counter culture shock impacted her. “Moving back to Thailand kickstarted the beginnings of a long relationship with anxiety,” she explained. “Without adequate support, I reacted by strongly disliking anything remotely Thai because I associated Thainess with rejection, denial of identity, and loss of home. Instead of focusing on what I had in common with other people, and learning to expand my sense of self so that I could fit in better, I was focusing on how we weren't alike.”
How can I support my child through change?
So what can you do to provide the support your children need? Let’s start with how you should broach the subject of change.
1. Be open and honest: As a general rule, it’s best to approach the topic calmly, openly, and gently—and not to keep change a secret prior to the transition happening. Hiding things and only announcing it when everything is finalized can come as a big shock, often making children feel helpless or causing them to lose trust in you. If possible, broach the subject with them earlier, and be honest with them about the choices you are considering and the changes that might happen.
2. Ask for their feedback: Ask them what they think, and allow them to ask questions, and answer as honestly as you can about what this means for the future. Try to align your expectations with your children’s—ask them what they think might happen to their friends, their routines, and their roles and responsibilities.This shows them you care about what they have to say and gives them space to come to terms with the possibility of change.
3. Offer reassurance: The emotional turmoil that comes with a big transition is more manageable with reassurance, which can look like hope, validation, and familiarity. Reinforce this by taking their opinion into account and validating their emotions. For example, tell them that you understand what they’re feeling, that you’ll take it into account, and that you can work together to find things that might help. Be sure to follow up these reassurances with actions that align in order to reinforce trust and stability.
What do I do if they resist?
Resistance is often to be expected, so try not to get angry if your child puts up a fight. The angrier you get or the more you shut them down, the more likely they are to resist—and to fear the emotional turmoil that comes with transitions.
Let me give you an example: three weeks into my summer holiday following sixth grade, my parents suddenly told my sister and I that we would be starting at a new school in just one week’s time. Everything was settled—there was no room for me to get used to the idea, or even to say goodbye to my childhood friends of nine years. Going from an international school to a holistic Thai school in rural Bangkok was the first big transition I experienced, and though I grew to appreciate this decision, the way my parents handled it caused me to become resistant at both home and school. This also put me on edge, as I now knew that they could suddenly uproot my life without telling me until it was about to happen.
Several years later they tried to move me again, and this time when I resisted, my mom asked me to explain why I felt this way. She listened and took what I said into account, and found that she agreed with my reasoning and changed her mind. Her willingness to listen made a difference in how we navigated this decision and how I learned to handle other transitions in the future.
How can I foster resilience?
When it comes to fostering resilience, this is Tatiana’s first tip: “There's a saying—if you can't see it, you can't dream it. Children learn by watching and observing. It can be helpful to talk to your kids about their role models, which can come from stories, movies, sports, and even their peers. How did these role models overcome their challenges? It's also helpful to reflect back to them how they're the heroes of their own story.
“Children need confirmation that their understanding of the world is correct; this is how we build confidence over self-doubt. We can do this by using the word ‘and’. For example, parents can say, ‘Yes, it is difficult to immerse yourself in a new culture that you are unfamiliar with, and you might be feeling very alone, and you also have the skills to learn to make new friends. Remember the time you [insert positive experience]? Look how you overcame that challenge. What did you learn from that?’
“Not all kids can or will immediately grasp the significance of discussions like this. In addition, sometimes their misgivings are valid. But in focusing on inclusion, parents can begin to foster a higher tolerance of the unexpected, which helps people shift from rigid, black-and-white thinking to a mindset that is flexible and curious, and ultimately more resilient to change.”
By fostering a healthy environment around discussing change, reassuring them that you will be there to help them get through, and by adapting your own mentality, you can help children develop resilience.
My child is still struggling—what can I do?
Some children might really suffer through change and take longer to adjust than others. Being patient and giving children space to grieve helps them to foster resilience naturally and healthily as they adapt. Helping them brainstorm positive effects of the change may provide some more positivity.
If your child is struggling during a transition then you’ll want to find ways to help them cope better, but sometimes they simply have to stick it out. You could also consider making small accommodations for them as they adjust, before slowly reverting back to the norm. For example, when I first started at my new school, they allowed me to play the drums instead of the violin or cello, which was mandatory. They knew that I was very resistant to playing these instruments, and that I had played the snare drum at my old school, and so they made this exception for me until I was better-adjusted to switch to the violin.
If your child will be away from you, discussing available support systems can be extremely helpful. Examples include, family, friends, neighbors, or counselors that they can speak to, or people they can contact by phone or Zoom. If you can’t be there for them in person, it’s always comforting to know that you’ll help them find a support system.
All children will deal with transition differently; some may be more naturally attuned to it, while others might have an aversion to it like I did. Nevertheless, it’s always helpful for parents to guide their children through the twists and turns of a transition. Healthy guidance increases long-term resilience and positivity, as well as their trust in you.
About the Author
Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), an internationally recognized mental health center in Bangkok with a diverse team of licensed counselors. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more.