How And When To Start Teaching Consent
By Natasha Duffin-Jones
Teaching children about consent seems like a relatively straightforward thing to do, until we start introducing the complexities of family dynamics, relationships, parental feelings, cultural sensitivities, and more! As a parent of children of both genders, I feel a drive to teach them about consent from an early age for a multitude of reasons.
Why teach consent?
Firstly, teaching about consent promotes body autonomy, meaning that children feel in control of their own bodies and are able to set boundaries that they feel comfortable with. Furthermore, it promotes healthy relationships with others by showing children how to respect people’s boundaries and understand social cues. Children will learn not to suppress their own feelings, and therefore know that they are not obliged to please others for the sake of their own sense of well-being. Finally, as part of the safeguarding team in an international school, my main motivator for teaching children consent is that it protects them from harm and abuse.
Children who understand consent are better equipped to trust their instincts and speak up if something feels wrong. The Safeguarding Alliance states that “Teaching the life skill of consent in early years is the first step to developing a generation of healthier and more trusting relationships in adulthood.” (1) Some people may view consent as an "inappropriate" topic for early years, yet the foundations of boundaries, trust, and respect are essential platforms for all future learning.
Start with yourself
In order to start teaching consent, firstly it is vital to examine your own feelings about consent. As an adult, can you say what you would do in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable? Next, it is key that both parents are on board and are committed to teaching consent together and modelling behavior in the same way. It is important that you involve the whole family including nannies and helpers as well. When my daughter was young, my nanny taught her to say “please do not touch me” when they were out, as well as ensuring other people were not taking photos of her. As a parent, knowing this made me feel so reassured that her safety was taken seriously.
Navigating extended family boundaries
As well as having discussions with nannies, you may also have to have some uncomfortable conversations with wider family members. It can be difficult for relatives to understand why a child will not give them a hug, so it is useful to prepare the family in advance or have some responses ready if anyone questions your child’s decisions. Explaining that denying consent is not rude may help relatives understand that a "no" is about the child's safety and comfort, not a personal slight or reflection on their relationship.
Practical ways parents can teach consent
Model consent daily
For parents, the most effective way to teach consent is to show it in action through your own behavior with your children and wider family.
- Ask for permission: Before physical contact, ask simple questions: "Can I give you a hug?" or "May I pick you up?"
- Respect their "No": If a child refuses a hug or kiss, even from a close relative, honor that choice immediately without guilt or pressure. You can give them options such as “would you like a high five or a hug?”
- Narrate care routines: For toddlers, explain what you are doing before touching them: "I'm going to wipe your face now, okay?"
Build a shared vocabulary
It is important to teach children accurate and anatomically correct language so they can communicate accurately about their bodies and are able to tell a trusted adult when something feels uncomfortable.
- Body ownership: Use phrases like "Your body belongs to you" to reinforce autonomy.
- Correct terms: Use proper names for all body parts, including genitals (penis, vagina), to remove shame and ensure they can report issues clearly if needed.
- Define boundaries: Introduce the idea of "personal bubbles" or "private space" to help them visualize where their boundaries are.
Use play and games
Children learn best through play. Playing with a trusted adult provides a safe environment to practice asserting and respecting boundaries.
- The tickle test: Start a tickle game, but stop immediately the moment the child says "stop" or "no," even if they are laughing. This shows that their words have power over their body.
- Safe words: Establish a "safe word" (like "red light" or "jellybean") during rough-and-tumble play that signals an immediate pause for everyone.
Teach observation and empathy
Children need to be explicitly taught how to empathize with others. Helping children read non-verbal cues is essential for understanding when others might be uncomfortable.
- Identify "Uh-Oh" feelings: Encourage kids to trust their instincts if a situation feels "weird" or "wrong" in their stomach.
- Read body language: Point out cues in others, such as a friend pulling away or looking sad, and ask, "Do you think they are still having fun?"
- Media literacy: Use scenes from books or TV shows to discuss characters' actions. Ask, "Did they ask first?" or "Do they look like they want that hug?"
Establish a safety network
Being in an international context, it can be difficult to ensure that children know who they can trust. It is important to make sure children know they can always talk to someone if their boundaries are crossed.
- Trusted adults: Help your child identify 3-5 "safe adults" they can go to with any secret or "uh-oh" feeling. Teach children what trusted adults will or will not do, for example, a trusted adult will never ask you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- Secrets vs. Surprises: Teach that "surprises" (like a birthday gift) are eventually shared and make people happy, while "secrets" that make them feel bad should always be told to a trusted adult.
Ultimately, teaching consent can create some difficult situations—such as when my son wants a hug from his sister and she says, “my body doesn’t feel like hugging today,” which results in tears as my son adores hugging her. However, from a young age, he is learning to respect other people’s boundaries around touch, and voice his own boundaries. Hopefully, in the future this will help safeguard them both.
References
- The safeguarding alliance, (nd) available online at: www.thesafeguardingalliance.org.uk/
About the Author
Natasha Duffin-Jones is a mother of two children as well as an early years and primary teacher with a Masters Degree in Early Childhood and a deputy designated safeguarding lead. She is also a children’s yoga teacher with her company, Story Time Yoga specialising in teaching yoga with children’s stories developing literacy and emotional literacy. She likes visiting different places in Bangkok with her children and documenting their adventures on her Instagram page @bangkokmamayogi.