How I Went From Baby-Averse to Baby-Obsessed in Nine Months
By Robb Falls
As we packed up to leave hospital with our brand-new, surprisingly puffy first-born child, I looked at my partner Rebecca and asked, “So that’s it, we just leave with this baby as if we know what we’re doing?” In hindsight, there were probably more reassuring things a sleep-deprived new mom who had just been through the most traumatic experience of her life, needed to hear.
Even when the doctor asked if we had any questions before we set off, instead of admitting that yes obviously, we had an endless list of queries—like whether that terrifying gargling noise he makes at night is normal—all I mustered was, “Do you think he’ll have curly hair?” She said no. She was wrong, by the way.
Now that we’ve been through our first year, it is shocking how little information you get in preparation for caring for a newborn. Cars are much less precious, but you have months of practice before someone trusts you with one. Not babies, though. Off you go and work it out with a handful of corrupted memories from friends and family, and 3.4 million different opinions on Instagram.
Friends and family do their best to tell you all the trade secrets in the run-up to delivery day, but it seems our brains wipe the traumatic phases of those first six months—probably so people have more than one kid. It's at those 3am moments, bouncing on a Swiss exercise ball to shift some wind, when you realize this new life is quite surreal.
As for social media, I’m still undecided if it's a net benefit. There's just too much. You look up one little thing about naps, and next thing you’re trying to convince yourself to buy the remote controlled, swinging, musical bouncer that one person said was magical. You’d have thought it was lined with thorns based on the way our boy screamed when I put him in it.
To everyone’s credit though, the one thing they got right was that having a child unlocks a new feeling you didn’t realize existed. The downside is that a baby's cry never really bothered me before. Now, with the realization that I’m the one actually responsible, that primal need to solve all their problems immediately is intense.
My good friend and twin-girl dad summed it up when he suggested I make the most of my free time before the baby arrives. “Play golf, go to the cinema, see friends. Because from next month your time will evaporate. It’s not that you can’t do all these things but you’ll realize when they’re born, you just won’t want to. You’ll prefer to be at home.”
Regardless, I was far too optimistic about how little a mini-me would affect these things. Time is an illusion. Any breaks are taken up doing life admin and things (like sleeping) that an awake baby prevents. Quick, he's asleep; time to eat, sleep, and clean the house in seven minutes.
Also, I just didn’t expect to find my baby so interesting. As a fairly stereotypical bloke, I never had much time for babies. If one was passed to me, I panicked until they inevitably cried and I could pass them back. Come back in a couple of years, I thought, when this boring phase is over. My baby is different. He’s my favorite baby. It’s hard to think of anything I’d rather do than watch this confused-looking, slimy alien turn into a somewhat functioning mini-human.
“How’s your baby doing?” asks a random colleague. “So glad you asked, here are seven videos of him failing to crawl with full commentary and analysis,” says me, as a new dad.
Even movies hit differently now. Any that involve something bad happening to a child are horrific. "Can you imagine?" we'll say to each other. Or, "How could you do that to a child?" It's not like it wasn't there before, but it's gone from an interesting twist to affecting the rest of my week.
So, if there are any expectant parents reading: you will get through each phase. You forget the traumatic stuff anyway and it really is a lot of fun. Lap it all up.
About the Author
Robb Falls is a child behavior consultant with 15 years' experience working with families and schools worldwide. He helps parents tackle tantrums, end daily battles, and create calm at home, by treating behavior as a skill children can learn, not a fixed trait. Find him at robbfalls.com and IG @robbfalls.behavior