Hypocrisy In The Home

By Joe Barker
 

While many people consider the new year to be the time to write about the things they're going to change in their lives, and the improvements they've resolved to make, I've decided to focus on the hypocrisy at the centre of my parenting. Sometimes, it seems to be the lesser of two evils, as when pushing Marty in order to stop him from pushing his sister. On other days, it’s necessary to survive the parenting day—my secret chocolate stash, and sometimes it’s simply my lack of moral fiber. Whatever the reason, there is a lot of hypocrisy, and I don’t think it’s something I’m going to change this year. Rather than decry the ineptitude of my parenting, I’ve decided to try and appreciate the irony in a few of the double standards I set. 

1. Pushing

I first thought of this topic while feeling guilty about pushing over a four-year-old Marty. Not something usually recommended by reputable parenting gurus, and something I try to avoid—unless we’re playing one of the many games that involve me shoving a giggling child into a pile of cushions. This time, however, it was hypocritical rather than playful as I’d shoved him while saying, “Don't push your sister, you'll hurt her.” An entirely necessary push—in order to stop a boisterous Marty knocking his equally energetic, but considerably smaller, sister into a wall—but nonetheless hypocritical.

2. Snatching

Naturally, I also spend a lot of time hypocritically snatching toys off Marty while scolding him for snatching them off his sister. As Alice then often snatches them off me, and Marty normally ignores my scolding in order to grab the toy from Alice, this can get very repetitive, and the vicious circle is only broken when somebody hits somebody over the head with the toy, or Mummy confiscates it.

3. Anger

When Marty loses his temper with a railway track that won't fit together, or Alice angrily hurls a block that won't stack, I'm quick to remonstrate with them. Anger, I tell them, is not the way to deal with things, you should take deep breaths and try again. Yet when Marty's incredibly annoying and very fragile marble run collapses for the sixth time, do I take this opportunity to model serene perseverance? I do not. I hypocritically thump the table and mutter the sort of words I really don't want my children to learn. One day, I hope to be the perfect model for my children, but in the meantime, I'll just have to rely on my wife pointing out to Marty and Alice that I'm expertly demonstrating how not to deal with challenging situations, and that if they just aim to do the exact opposite of Daddy at all times, they will have a happy and highly successful life. So, more of an anti-role model than I'd hoped for, but at least I'm still providing a useful lesson for my children.

4. Shouting

I would love to be calm and patient as a parent, but far too often when Marty and Alice are yelling at each other or squabbling over toys, I find myself yelling right alongside them. I'm sure we all know how effective yelling “calm down!” is for calming down small children, but just because it's failed the last 300 times doesn't mean I'm not going to give it just one more go. Then another go tomorrow. The hypocrisy of this strategy is not lost on me, and sometimes I even remember halfway through shouting that a quiet, gentle voice might be more effective for reducing tension and calming everyone down; and it doesn't hurt my throat anywhere near as much as yelling.

5. Deceiving myself

Despite being a terrible hypocrite, I'm not above apologizing for my actions. So even if my first, and often second, reaction is to yell at my infuriating offspring, I do eventually find my calmer, quieter voice and apologize for yelling while explaining that shouting is wrong, and that me being tired or grumpy doesn't mean it's alright for me to scream at them or their toys. If I'm feeling particularly devious, I then claim that I only yelled so that I could demonstrate how we apologize when we're wrong. I'm not sure anyone believes me, but I pretend they do as I cling to the final tatters of my parental dignity. 

6. Time management

There are other hypocrisies which I hope are less obvious to Marty and Alice, as I try to hide that I'm doing very much the opposite of what I tell them to do. This article is an excellent example of that. While Marty is told to finish his homework before he watches TV, I've spent the evening binge-watching Netflix rather than writing. So now I'm going to submit the sort of shoddy, rushed job that I would never let Marty take to school. But he's in bed, and should never learn of this two-faced perfidy.

7. TV privileges

Speaking of TV, Marty is limited to an hour after school, and is brutally cut-off mid-episode when that time limit is reached—unless I've fallen asleep or really need to know how the episode ends. Mummy and Daddy, on the other hand, are quite capable of squeezing in one more episode at least three times before going to bed far too late, and then spending the next day wondering why they're so tired and grumpy. Obviously, no lessons are learnt, and they do the same again the following night. 

8. Healthy eating

It would be unreasonable to watch that much TV without a generous supply of snacks. So although Marty and Alice's chocolate and biscuit consumption is heavily controlled, Mummy and Daddy are continually bingeing. The only caveat being that the children mustn't see us, or else they'd definitely demand their share. I'm clearly without shame, but if I had an ounce of decency, I'd feel bad about all those ice creams and chocolate bars that I've been keeping from Marty and Alice.

These are just a few of my daily hypocrisies that I’m going to carry into the new year. I’m hoping to get better at apologising when I shout unnecessarily, snatch too roughly, or am otherwise in the wrong; but I'm not going to apologize for desperately needing to eat chocolate or watch TV after a hard day of childcare. In my efforts to make my children better, happier, healthier people than me, I'm going to remain a hypocrite and continue to tell them to, “Do as I say, not as I do.”

About the Author 

Joe and his wife Diane moved to Thailand in 2018. Since the arrival of their son Martin in 2021 and daughter Alice in 2024, Joe has been a stay-at-home father. The whole family enjoys BAMBI playgroups and Thai beach holidays. Find Joe on SubStack: BangkokDad bangkokdad.substack.com/