Let Your Hands Do The Talking

By Sonali Vongchusiri

I’m a firm believer in the idea that you can’t talk about parenting without talking about how you were parented. Many of us played the “good girl” role as kids and learned to put a smile on our faces and use a sweet voice, even when internally, we were upset. This carries forward into parenting and society’s image of the “good mom”—the mom who is always calm and has a never-ending well of patience. It’s no surprise then that those of us aspiring to be this mom may seem calm on the outside, yet internally we’re stuffing down frustration.

If you’ve ever had the ooey-gooey “please, sweetie, eat your dinner” not work with your child, it’s because your child can sense the frustration within you. But instead of ending up in a power struggle with them, you can acknowledge the struggle within you in a way that is connecting, playful, and authentic. This will allow you to create congruence between the internal and external you, and express and communicate in a way that connects with your child. This quick tool allows you to have an authentic connection with your child and yourself because you’re being both playful and honest about a need to get something done and your need to be kind.

Picture the scene

Your child isn't doing the thing you want them to—getting out the door on time, helping to tidy up, eating their dinner, or one of countless other possibilities. Your tension, annoyance, and frustration have been building. You want to stay on task, yet part of you doubts that when you ask kindly, you’ll be heard.

Imagine a table. Right now, you and your child are sitting at opposite ends, trying to convince each other to see it your way. Now imagine you and your child sitting side by side at the table, on the same team, facing the challenge, acknowledging both perspectives and the tension between them. By playfully acknowledging our frustration or doubt, instead of pretending it's not there, we take the tension off for us and them.

How to playfully acknowledge our doubts

You can playfully address your doubts and frustrations by using your hands as two characters, A and B, arguing with each other. To make it more fun, go all in and give them special voices. Here are some examples, but you can use it in lots of contexts and in whatever way works best with your kids!

Dinnertime: 

A: "She's going to eat her veggies." 

B (shaking “no” vigorously): "No way! She's not even looking at 'em" 

A: "Yes she is. Look! She's picking up a carrot now!"

Getting out the door on time: 

A (singing): “Shoes shoes shoes, it’s time for shoes.” 

B: “It’s not happening.” 

A (turning to kids): “Don’t listen to him—he’s SO negative, isn’t he?” 

B (as kids are putting on shoes): “Noooo!” 

A: “HAHA—I told you!”

With yourself while with your child: 

A: "Look at mom's face, oooh...she's gonna blow, y'all! Red alert." 

B: "No she's NOT! She's just going to tell the kids she's tired and let’s make getting ready for bed both quick and fun."

With an older child: 

Many parents have been surprised that even some teens still get a kick out of the hands. And, you can also tweak it to just using voices and simply voicing the conversations that happen in your head.

Why it works

When we are stuck in opposition to our child—with us holding the space of wanting to get something done and our child holding the space of not wanting to do it—we are experiencing externally a conflict that actually exists internally. We have a part of us that wishes we didn't need to do the things, too. And our child has a part of them that wishes they could just do the thing. By using our hands, we are holding both parts of this conflict together. Using our hands acknowledges the internal conflict we both feel, putting us and our child on the same side, facing the challenge as a team instead of us and our child on opposite sides to each other. Plus, you've always got your hands, so this doesn't require carrying any extra things.

About the Author

Sonali is a parent coach, speaker, and founder of Forward Together Parenting. She’s been where you are with her own sensitive, strong-willed kids, and has worked with thousands of parents worldwide. Her work is dedicated to sharing how you can confidently parent, have fun, and create lasting change that feels good.