Loving Without Losing Yourself

By Claudia Gomes

Our idea of what relationships should look like comes from what we learn as children from our parents, friends, schools, magazines, and media. This influences the way we relate to others today. Of course, as adults, we have choices, but our subconscious mind also plays a big role, whether we are aware of it or not. In romantic relationships, for example, common cultural narratives such as “two halves becoming one,” “doing everything together,” or “needing no one else,” can influence our expectations. 

The way we see ourselves, the way we believe in who we are, dictates most of our behaviors when interacting with others, especially with those we love.

So, who are you when you relate to others? Do you feel you have healthy relationships? For many of us, the concept of healthy relationships is not very clear. It certainly wasn’t for me, but it is something I have learnt. Emotional Intelligence is a relatively new concept, but, like any other skill, it’s something anyone can develop. In this article, we are talking about loving without losing ourselves, and about how to maintain our personal space and continue to practice self-love.

When loving becomes self-abandonment

You may already recognize some of the points I am about to mention, and that is a great start. Awareness is the first step towards building a healthier relationship with yourself and with others. Self-abandonment usually happens because of one or more basic fears: judgment, not being enough, abandonment, rejection, and so on. These are some signs that you might be practicing self-abandonment.

Silencing your own voice: You notice that you stop expressing yourself freely. You cut your words short, feel that what you say doesn’t really matter, fear being misunderstood, or avoid speaking up so you don’t create problems.

Over-adapting: You stop doing what you want and start doing what others want. You let go of important things in your life, work, friends, hobbies, family, personal time, pleasure, rest.

Fear of disappointing others: You become hyper-aware, perfectionistic, and start changing yourself to avoid disapproval. You fear making mistakes or being judged for your decisions.

Prioritizing harmony over authenticity: Being yourself is no longer an option; being what is expected becomes the goal. There is no confrontation, no difficult conversations. You make sure you are never the one who “creates problems.”

Confusing love with sacrifice: You give yourself fully, without boundaries. You stop living your own life, abandon what you love, and constantly meet others’ demands without prioritizing your own needs. 

Self-love is not selfish

This is one of my favorite topics to talk about because it is so deeply misunderstood. Loving yourself does not mean you love others less, quite the opposite. When you truly love yourself, you are able to love others more fully, for who they are, with respect, depth, and awareness.

Self-love is not emotional distance. It is the ability to express your emotions in a way others can understand. Personal space becomes a priority because you understand your need to know who you are and to remain authentic in your relationships. Taking space does not mean rejection; it means you are able to care for yourself in the same way you care for others. You develop autonomy, which is not a lack of commitment. On the contrary, it is what allows you to commit with clarity and certainty.

Self-love is emotional grounding. It is inner stability. It is the ability to show up fully in a relationship. It means knowing yourself, respecting yourself, and being compassionate and kind towards yourself. It is understanding why you do what you do and working with that reality in the best way possible. It is being yourself, without shame, without fear, with confidence, presence, and integrity.

The space that brings us closer

When personal space is honored, life feels different, more balanced, more stable, more fulfilling. For some of you, this may feel challenging, because it requires personal change in order to create a life that truly fits your needs, desires, and rhythm.

Independent lives: Regardless of the type of relationship, we are human beings with individual needs. When those needs are ignored, emotions such as resentment, anger, grief, or frustration often surface to signal that something is off. Independence allows you to explore who you are and understand your uniqueness. It is not about distancing yourself from others, but about practicing interdependence, living your own life while remaining connected.

Personal desires and rhythms: We all have our own pace, our own journey, and our own definition of what brings peace, balance, and joy. Our rhythms are not the same. Trying to make others become like you is exhausting for everyone involved. Control, when rooted in fear, is unhealthy. Letting go and trusting allows you to see more clearly what is good, and not good, for you.

Silence and solitude: This is where one of the biggest fears often lives: being alone. It is usually in these moments that the mind creates stories, sometimes dramatic, catastrophic ones. Yet it is precisely in silence and solitude that you create real space to listen to yourself, to hear your fears, and to address them. These moments help regulate your nervous system and bring emotional balance.

Emotional breathing room: You need space to be with your emotions, and sometimes space to not be with them. Emotional management is not easy, especially at the beginning. As you become more familiar with your inner world, it gradually gets easier.

Space nurtures desire. It brings curiosity back, something new to discover about the other person. Autonomy deepens intimacy because you are able to express yourself clearly, and others can do the same with you. Relationships thrive when they have room to breathe, where trust is present and open communication is part of the dynamic.

Intimacy without fusion

Emotional intimacy needs to exist without losing individuality. When two people merge into one, it becomes difficult to honor both sets of needs. Intimacy grows through respect for each other’s wishes, understanding desires, compassion for mistakes, and kindness towards one another. It is when presence becomes more important than dependency, when active listening and emotional availability take priority over unaddressed fears and wounds.

Loving as a whole person

When love is conditional, it doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong, but it is important to be aware of it, especially if your intention is to love someone for who they are, not for what they give you in return. Some examples of conditional love include:

Performance: Love based on meeting certain standards, such as a parent who only praises a child for good grades.

Compliance: Love that depends on agreement and the absence of challenge.

Appearance: Love based primarily on physical attributes such as looks or weight.

Utility: Love based on what someone provides, be it status, money, or convenience.

There is nothing inherently wrong with loving with conditions, as long as you are conscious of your choices and of the type of relationships you want to create. This matters because it helps you understand who you are when you love. Ask yourself these questions:

What parts of yourself are you preserving?

What are you no longer willing to sacrifice?

Are you being honest with yourself, and with others, about your choices?

Does loving expand your life, or does it shrink it? 

A new way to love

Loving yourself without self-betrayal is where real change begins. Healthy relationships are built through small, conscious steps towards a better life. They begin when you stop the inner battles and shift your perspective about yourself, the world, and the people around you. It means taking things less personally and understanding that we are all connected, and that we need one another to grow into better versions of ourselves. Choose people who honor your identity and love you for who you are, flaws included. Love with more presence, more openness, and a whole heart. And remember, you cannot lose yourself when you truly know and accept who you are.

About the Author

Claudia Gomes is an expert in Emotional Intelligence and Intercultural Awareness, and an ICF-certified Level 2 Transformative Coach. With 20 years of international experience across Spain and Thailand, 17 of them based in Bangkok, she specializes in bridging cultures, strengthening human connections, and fostering meaningful global collaboration. contact@claudiagomes.coach; linkedin.com/in/claudiagomes-coach/