Outgrowing the Old: Embracing Flexible, Mindful Parenting in the New Year

By Sheena Low
The new year often ushers in a wave of resolutions, a desire for fresh starts, and a focus on self-improvement. But this year, let's shift our focus from rigid resolutions to a more profound mindset shift, especially when it comes to parenting. Let's talk about outgrowing the old—those outdated parenting ideals that no longer serve us—and embrace a more flexible, mindful approach. To help us navigate this shift, I turned to Susanna Nicol, a child emotional intelligence specialist and parenting coach with a background in early childhood education and developmental psychology. Susanna founded EQ for Kidz to address the crucial need for emotional intelligence in early childhood education, creating customized programs that empower families with practical tools and strategies.
PERFECTIONISM: THE JOY THIEF
The pursuit of perfection can be a relentless thief, robbing us of joy and connection in our parenting journey. It sets unrealistic expectations, fuels self-doubt, and creates an environment where mistakes are feared rather than embraced. Let's challenge this myth of perfection and recognize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We are all human, beautifully flawed and perfectly imperfect. Perfectionism often stems from a fear of losing control, but true empowerment lies in surrendering to the unpredictable flow of life with a child. Instead of fixating on "fixing" our children's behavior, let's prioritize understanding the emotions driving it. See those challenging behaviors—the tantrums, the defiance—not as problems to be solved, but as opportunities to connect, empathize, and guide.
Key takeaways:
- Release the pressure to be perfect and embrace the beauty of imperfection.
- View mistakes as valuable learning experiences.
- Empower your child to become a problem-solver by asking guiding questions.
Practical example:
When your child's block tower tumbles and frustration arises, first, observe and verbalize: "Oh, the blocks fell down again. You seem frustrated. Your eyebrows are furrowed, and your muscles look tense." Then, once the emotion subsides, empower, by asking: "What's your plan now?" or "What do you think might help?"
TRANSITIONS
Transitions, those seemingly simple shifts from one activity to another, can be surprisingly challenging for young children. Acknowledge their struggle and offer support, and understand that transitions require extra time and patience.
Actionable steps:
- Use visual timers, transition songs, and consistent routines.
- Involve your child in finding solutions that ease the transition.
Practical example:
Instead of dictating a change, collaborate with your child. You might say: "It seems like it's hard to stop playing and get ready for bed—what could help make this transition easier?"
PARENT GUILT: THE UNHELPFUL MESSENGER
Parent guilt, that pervasive feeling of not doing enough, of somehow failing our children, can be a heavy burden to bear. But what if we reframed this guilt as a messenger, a signal to repair our connection with our child?
Key takeaways:
- Use moments of guilt as opportunities to model accountability and repair.
- Offer genuine apologies when you make mistakes.
- Challenge societal pressures that contribute to guilt.
- Try to limit social media use to avoid comparing yourself to others.
Practical example:
When you feel the sting of mom guilt, apologize genuinely: "Earlier, I raised my voice at you, and that's not how I want to respond. I'm really sorry, and I'm going to do better next time."
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE: THE FOUNDATION OF MINDFUL PARENTING
Emotional intelligence is the bedrock of mindful parenting. It's about recognizing that emotions are not good or bad; they are messengers, conveying vital information about our safety and needs.
Actionable steps:
- Learn to recognize and interpret your child's emotional cues.
- Honor the full spectrum of emotions in both yourself and your child.
- Refrain from using shame to motivate your child.
- Model healthy emotional expression.
- Pay attention to your own emotional state and how it influences your tone of voice.
Practical examples:
- Build emotional literacy: Read books about emotions with your child. Use visual aids like emotion wheels or create an "emotions chart" together.
- Model healthy expression: Show your child how you cope with challenging emotions. "I'm feeling frustrated right now, so I'm going to take a few deep breaths."
Mindful parenting: presence over perfection
Mindful parenting is about choosing presence over perfection. It's about putting down your phone, turning off distractions, and truly engaging with your child.
Key takeaways:
- Create rituals of connection with your child.
- Be open to changing plans and adapting to your child's needs in the moment.
- Enjoy the joy of being present with your child.
Practical examples:
- Morning check-in: Start the day with a few deep breaths together, set intentions for the day, or express gratitude for something special.
- Bedtime connection: Replace "How was your day?" with more engaging questions:
- "What made you smile today?"
- "What are you looking forward to tomorrow?"
- "How were you kind today, or how was somebody else kind to you?"
- "Did you fill someone's bucket today?" (referring to the concept of "bucket filling" from the book “Have You Filled a Bucket Today?”)
- Embrace play: Join your child in their world of play. Get down on the floor and build Lego castles, have a tea party with stuffed animals, or create a masterpiece with finger paints.
SELF-CARE: ESSENTIAL, NOT SELFISH
Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it's essential. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Actionable steps:
- Prioritize your well-being.
- Schedule time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul.
- Model self-care for your child.
Practical example:
If your child protests when you take time for yourself explain the importance of self-care in a way they can understand. "Mommy needs some time to recharge so I can have more energy to play with you later."
RE-PARENTING: HEALING THE PAST, EMBRACING THE PRESENT
Re-parenting our inner child is a profound act of self-love and healing.
Key takeaways:
- Reconnect with joy and play.
- Understand your emotional triggers.
- Respond to your triggers with understanding and kindness.
Practical examples:
- Rediscover play: Dance, sing, play dress-up, or splash in puddles. Find ways to reconnect with your inner child's joy.
- Explore your triggers: Reflect on your reactions and identify any patterns that might stem from childhood experiences. Journaling, therapy, or mindfulness practices can be helpful in this process.
THE 90-SECOND RULE AND THE POWER OF THE PAUSE
Emotions, in their purest form, are fleeting. They last only 90 seconds. It's our thoughts and judgments that keep them alive and escalate them into bigger reactions.
Actionable steps:
Practice the power of the pause so when you feel a strong emotion rising, take a few seconds to observe it without judgment then focus on your breath or find a calming sensory experience.
Practical example:
When faced with a challenging situation, recognize the trigger and become aware of what's happening in your body when you experience a strong emotion. Then create space, ideally by stepping away from the situation, even if it's just for a few moments. Finally, engage your senses. You could focus on your breath, notice the sensations in your body, or find a calming sensory experience (like listening to music or holding a smooth stone).
TRUSTING YOURSELF: THE ULTIMATE ACT OF SELF-COMPASSION
Trust yourself. You have the inner resources to navigate parenthood.
Key takeaways:
- Believe in your intuition and your ability to make the best decisions for your child.
- Embrace the learning process.
- Release the need to control outcomes.
As we step into the new year, let's release the grip of perfectionism and embrace a more flexible, mindful approach to parenting. Let's honor our emotions, practice the pause, and trust ourselves. In doing so, we not only create a more peaceful and joyful parenting experience but also empower our children to do the same.
Resources
- EQ for Kidz website: https://eqforkidz.co
- Big Life Journal for all things Growth Mindset: https://biglifejournal.com
- Boost your Emotional Understanding with this tool: https://www.6seconds.org/2022/03/13/plutchik-wheel-emotions
- Download the app "How We Feel" to measure your emotions and practice EQ: https://howwefeel.org
About the Author
Sheena is a mother to three-year-old August, runs Super Fly Honey, a brand that makes technical activewear for pole dancers around the world, and dreams about writing children’s books. After three years with a lot of yoga, deep friendships, purposeful retreats and IFS therapy, she realizes that becoming a mother is actually a superpower.