Parenting with Love and Boundaries
By Sara Salam
Last month while buying last-minute presents for friends and family, my three-year-old daughter insisted on buying a new doll. She already has many dolls at home, and I was tired and mentally juggling a long list of tasks. I said no—quickly and firmly. But what followed was a full-blown tantrum in the middle of the mall which forced me to cut the trip short.
On the way back, I replayed the moment in my head and realized that the issue was not that I said no but how I said it. My response made sense to me as an adult but it may not have been the best way to communicate to a three-year-old. At home, I gathered every doll she owned from every corner of the house, laid them out in a line and asked her to count them with me. Seeing them in one place followed by a gentle talk helped her understand why we did not need another one. That moment reminded me that affection combined with clear, structured boundaries matters—but only if those boundaries are communicated in a way children can understand and appreciate.
Parenting often sits at the intersection of love and limits. Many of us worry that setting boundaries might damage our connection with our children. At the same time, giving in too often can leave us feeling overwhelmed and unsure. The balance lies not in choosing one over the other but in learning how to offer both together.
Why boundaries matter
Children do not come into the world knowing how it works. They learn through daily interactions—what is allowed, what is not and what happens when emotions feel too big to manage. Boundaries help children make sense of their environment. They provide predictability which helps children feel safe.
When boundaries are unclear or inconsistent, children test them more. This is not manipulation; it is exploration. Children push limits to understand where those limits stand. When adults respond with calm consistency and with easily understandable rationale, children slowly learn to regulate their behavior within those limits.
Boundaries also teach an important long-term skill: self-regulation. A child who grows up with clear expectations is better equipped to manage frustration, delay gratification, and respect the limits of others. These skills do not develop overnight and therefore, need to be nurtured early on.
Making room for feelings while holding limits
Love is essential, but love alone does not guide behavior. Similarly, setting boundaries forcefully with an “I told you so” approach may work in the short term, often out of fear or confusion but children do not always understand the reasons behind the rules. This can lead to power struggles and resentment on both sides.
Empathetic communication changes this dynamic. Acknowledging a child’s feelings does not mean giving in. It means letting them know they are heard. Saying, “I see you really want that doll, and it’s hard when we can’t get what we want,” helps a child feel understood, even when the answer remains no.
Children are more likely to accept limits when they feel emotionally safe. This sense of safety comes from knowing that their feelings are valid, even if their requests are not always met.
Making boundaries visible and predictable
A friend of mine struggled to limit her six-year-old’s screen time. Every day ended in arguments and tears. After many failed attempts, she introduced a simple sand-timer set for thirty minutes. When the timer ran out, the TV went off.
Something shifted. The boundary was no longer abstract or tied to her mood or patience. It was visible and predictable. Her child could see time passing and prepare for the transition. Over time, resistance decreased.
This small change did something important: it made the child feel included. Instead of feeling controlled, the child felt informed. Being part of the process—even in small ways—helps children accept boundaries more readily.
Parental guilt and the pull of instant relief
Many parents struggle with guilt. We worry about being too strict or not kind enough. Sometimes, giving in feels easier in the moment. It stops the crying, the arguing, the stares from strangers. But instant relief often comes at a cost.
Children look to adults to help them understand the world. When boundaries shift based on convenience, children become unsure of what to expect. Clear limits, even when uncomfortable, offer long-term security.
Setting boundaries is not about control but about guidance. When children know what is expected, they can move within those limits with more confidence. Over time, this helps them develop boundaries of their own. I already see this with my children, even in their toddler years. They tell me when they want space, when something feels unfair or when they need help. These moments are small but they matter. They show that children who experience respectful boundaries learn to express their own.
There is no perfect balance
Parenting does not come with a fixed formula for success, although sometimes I really wish it did! We get it right one day and wrong the next. We may handle a tantrum calmly in the morning and lose patience in the evening. Balancing affection with structure is an ongoing process. It evolves as children grow and as parents grow with them. Love provides the foundation but boundaries give it shape. Together, they help children feel safe, capable, and understood—both at home and beyond.
About the Author
Sara Salam is a mother to energetic boy–girl twins who keep her on her toes and regularly challenge her ideas about patience, boundaries, and quiet. She writes about parenting as she learns it—one day, one mistake, and one small win at a time.