Raising Children Who Don’t Fit the Mold

By Anatta (Anna) Zarchi

A sense of belonging is something that children from non-conventional families often struggle with. To look around and see that your family is completely different from other people’s, especially if this is constantly pointed out as something negative or “weird”, can cause them to feel “different” or left out. These feelings can lead to negative emotions such as sadness, anxiety, or shame. In a world obsessed with conformity, it is important that we help these children nurture their uniqueness and develop a sense of belonging regardless of their differences.

When a child is struggling with the pressure to conform, there are often certain signs that parents or adults can pick up on. NCS counseling intern Bunyanut, who works closely with children, says, “Look for signs like avoiding conversations about their family, withdrawing from friends, feeling nervous before school, or frequent complaints of stomachaches or headaches.” Changes in behavior such as acting out, throwing tantrums, becoming unusually quiet or withdrawn, trying very hard to fit in, or suddenly becoming extremely compliant can also be clues. Every child reacts differently, so knowing your child and being able to tell when something is unusual can help you determine when there is a problem. 

Feelings like this often stem from assumptions, intrusive questions, or stigma about the child’s family, whether with the intention to harm or merely out of curiosity and ignorance. If a teacher, schoolmate, relative, or someone else says something that makes the child self-conscious about their family, it is important to gently educate them about inclusive language, acceptance, and the harm that thoughtless words can cause. However, although we can try to reduce stigma, we can’t always change other people. Therefore, it is extremely important to help your child build resilience and confidence in their identity.

Dealing with difficult questions

Helping children build strong self-esteem is generally extremely helpful. NCS founder and counselor Johanna recommends helping them practice answering upsetting questions with polite but empowering language and sharing what they love about their family. For example, “There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s OK to be different” or “In our family, I live with my grandparents, and that’s special to me”. This can boost their confidence and prepare them for challenging encounters. Finally, remind them that their boundaries matter and that they do not have to answer something that feels too personal or makes them uncomfortable. For some children, saying no can feel scary, but practicing polite but firm answers such as “I’m sorry, I don’t want to answer that” can help. It’s likely to still feel uncomfortable for them at first, but the more they practice the more it will boost their confidence and self-esteem.

Taking pride in your family

Parents can play a huge role in helping children embrace their family structure and feel proud of their uniqueness. Bunyanut explains, “Children take cues from the adults around them. When parents speak confidently and positively about their family, kids learn to feel proud too. Share your family story in simple, reassuring language, create small family rituals to build a sense of belonging, and seek out books or shows that reflect different family forms so your child sees themselves represented.”

Johanna stresses the importance of not hiding or pretending that the differences aren’t there: they are, and that’s completely OK—different is not bad. Hiding or pretending there are no differences inadvertently teaches the child that there is something to be ashamed of. Have open conversations surrounding these differences, and allow them to reflect on both the things they love and the struggles that come with their family structure. Remind them that all families have their issues, even conventional ones. Respond to their questions with warmth and honesty to help them feel secure.

Talking about feelings

Our counselors shared some counseling/communication techniques that are effective in helping children from non-conventional families manage stress or anxiety related to feeling different or isolated:

• Children sometimes struggle to understand what they’re feeling. Helping them identify and name their emotions can be an empowering first step in processing those feelings. For example, “I feel left out”, “I feel worried”, or “I feel different from everyone else”.
• Highlight their strengths and good qualities to boost their self-esteem and build self-acceptance. This can help decrease stress and anxiety.
• Techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and narrative therapy can support children in reframing negative thoughts and building a positive story about who they are. For example, identifying, challenging, and reframing negative beliefs; re-authoring the narrative; and so on. Asking questions can help them discover their fears and perceptions. A counselor/therapist will have the appropriate tools to apply these techniques safely and effectively.
• Psycho-education about different types of family structures can ease their feelings of isolation and not belonging.

Support from others

Schools, extracurricular programs, and community spaces can also play a huge role in supporting children from non-conventional families. Here are some ways that these spaces can support children and help them feel that they belong:

• Use inclusive language: this means using wording that does not exclude any child’s family. For example, if someone in the class doesn’t have a mom, you might say “parents” instead of “mother” when addressing the whole class. Of course, inclusive language must be accompanied by inclusive actions—no one should ever be discriminated against or made to feel excluded.
• Assign books, activities, and projects that represent many types of families and help children feel seen.
• Organize events that represent and celebrate different kinds of families, for example, International Day.
• Hold bias and stigma awareness training for staff members.

To conclude, a variety of factors can influence how a child feels about coming from a non-conventional family, whether it is their caregiver’s attitude towards it, or their school/community environment. It is important to help your child feel heard and to help them build pride in their family. Choosing a school environment that welcomes all children equally can also be very impactful. This doesn’t mean that they won’t face stigma, and it is important to prepare them for that, but growing up in a healthy, inclusive environment can greatly strengthen their self-esteem and resilience. As Bunyanut says, “When schools create a welcoming environment, children thrive—because they know their family belongs.”

About the Author

Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), an internationally recognized mental health center in Bangkok with a diverse team of licensed counselors. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more. ncsbkk.com/ncs/