Rediscovering Love After Kids
By Kelly Patten
Recently, my husband and I have discovered day use hotel rooms as a luxury date. We enjoy a relaxed hour at the hotel breakfast buffet, and then check into a room for the day. We leisurely sip coffee and peruse the breakfast offerings without demands for sticky, syrupy pancakes or projectile fried rice. We spend the day lounging on the dreamy hotel linens, watching trashy television, and having uninterrupted conversations, before returning home for dinner and bedtime. Inevitably, our chat turns to our daughters, keeping up the house, traveling to see family, our jobs. The usual mundane chatter that has become routine as we go through our days of working and raising kids.
You may have heard of the “roommate phase”, a period of a relationship that’s characterized by a lack of romance and intimacy and the feeling that you are simply cohabitating with your partner. It’s all too common after having kids. Sometimes all I want after a long day of working and parenting is the mindless predictability of scrolling my phone while my husband enjoys the same. Despite this, I also crave connection and the easy intimacy that used to be our norm.
First of all, my husband is truly a one of a kind father and husband. He has a wild imagination for play and never hesitates to change a dirty diaper or have long comforting chats with our daughter. And yet somehow after a long day it is all too easy to snap about the dishes. While there is no quick fix to this temporary relationship stage, in my search for reconnection I continually stumble upon one word—gratitude.
As we frequently tell our kids, words matter. Frequent thank yous and messages of appreciation, especially for small routine things, can go a long way. My husband and I love writing little notes of appreciation and hiding them around the house. It takes minimal effort to quickly scrawl a note, but the warmth and affection felt as a direct result can turn around a stressful day. My husband and I also love to spoil each other with food and treats. I would definitely say our love language is food, and we frequently pick up our favorite cookies, pastries or salty snacks to share. A few extra minutes to make a coffee for your partner shows you care.
Another way to show gratitude is to be intentional about time spent together. Consider setting aside an hour of screen-free-time after the kids are asleep to share a glass of wine or simply cuddle up and talk. Schedule regular date nights at home; order some fancy takeaway, and watch something that isn’t Gabby’s Dollhouse. Starting a new hobby together can also rekindle connection. Playing boardgames, listening to podcasts or audiobooks, or starting a new exercise routine are all easy ways to unwind together after a long day.
It’s easy to suggest ideas to show your spouse you are grateful, but in practice it takes conscious effort to break from routines. I am by no means an expert—some days I feel in touch with my partner, but some days we roll into bed with barely a meaningful word exchanged. Gratitude softens the edges of routine and opens space for warmth to return. Whether it’s a luxury day or night away, or a quiet moment shared at home, intention and gratitude remind us of the love and affection that we share.
About the Author
Kelly is mom to Freya and Daisy and recently went back to work as an early years teacher. She previously worked as a primary educator and literacy specialist. Kelly loves reading fiction books, listening to true crime podcasts, and watching Disney princess movies.