Restorative Rituals: Self-Care That Fits Real Motherhood

By Sonali Vongchusiri

I’m curious about something. What are your feelings—your unfiltered, honest feelings—around the concept of self-care in parenting?

If you’re anything like I used to be, you might be thinking, “UGH… yeah. I hear about that all the time. Everyone talks about the importance of self-care.” And if you’re really honest, does it feel like something you’d love more of and something that’s frustrating at the same time?

Why traditional self-care can fall flat

We all know it’s important to recharge and recenter. And we also know how much effort it can take to carve out time for the kinds of self-care rituals we usually hear about—getting a massage, having our nails done, taking a long bath.

When we do manage to carve out that time, it feels good in the moment. And then we return home, thinking, “Ahhh… now everything will feel easier,” only to open the door to children running toward you, eager to tell you what their brother did while you were gone. It can feel like a shock to the nervous system. All the positive effects are gone. Your shoulders tense up again. And even though you don’t mean to, you hear yourself speak to your children in a harsher tone than you’d like.

Which is so frustrating, because the whole point was to come back rested, rejuvenated, and ready to help your kids settle into calm. Instead, you start to wonder if self-care just doesn’t work, or at least not for you.

If this sounds like you, I’ve been exactly where you are. That wasn’t a hypothetical story—that was me several years ago. I’d come home from a massage to kids complaining about each other and all the effects of the 90-minute massage were gone in an instant.

What I thought self-care was

Before we go further, I want to share what I used to believe self-care meant:

• Carving out time for myself
• Doing something big that would “fill my cup”
• Things I did alone—after the kids were in bed, or when they were with a nanny or a friend
• And if I did this well enough—regular massages, consistent exercise—my nervous system wouldn’t go on high alert as easily

But now I know there’s a radically different way to think about self-care. A way that doesn’t require hours away, or even a daily meditation practice.

Most of what we call self-care is focused on activities—things you do when time allows, ideally away from your responsibilities. And while those things can be enjoyable, they often don’t touch the parts of us that are depleted on a daily basis. So before we go further, let’s redefine self-care.

What is self-care?

At its core, self-care is exactly what the phrase says: caring for yourself. That means offering care not only through your actions, but also caring for your thoughts, your emotions, and your nervous system as you move through a typical day.

I’ll say that again, because it was revolutionary for me: self-care is caring for yourself as you move through your day. It’s not a separate act that exists outside of your already full schedule. What I eventually realized is that so much of what we’ve been taught about self-care simply doesn’t work in real life, and especially not for mothers.

So let’s debunk three common self-care myths. This shift gave me a way of thinking about self-care that actually fits inside busy, real-life days. I hope it does the same for you.

Myth 1: Self-care is something you do

We’ve been taught to think of self-care as an activity. Something you schedule. Something you do. Something that happens occasionally, when time allows. A massage. A jog. Getting your hair or nails done. A quiet cup of coffee with zero interruptions.

What I didn’t understand for a long time is that self-care isn’t just about doing nice things for yourself. It’s about how you relate to yourself as you move through your day. True self-care includes caring for your physical needs and caring for your inner experience in real time.

Not self-care: You’re angry. Then you get angry that you’re angry because you have things to do and you don’t want to stop your day.

Self-care: “Of course, I’m angry. I’m glad I’m not judging myself for it. Hmmm….how can I let the anger be here, and still be kind and keep going in my day?”

Not self-care: “I just want a moment alone.” Then comes “Ugh. I shouldn’t think that.”

Self-care: “I just want a moment alone…Ohhh. I need quiet. Or I need to ask my kids to help and work as a team right now.”

These moments where you stop attacking yourself and offer even a little understanding are caring for yourself. They don’t happen later, they happen right there in the middle of the emotion or thought.

Myth 2: I need time alone or away for self-care

For years, I believed self-care was something that happened once my kids were asleep or out of the house. I just needed to get through bedtime. Then I’d relax. But rushing through bedtime never worked. The more I hurried, the less present I became. The kids felt it. Bedtime dragged on. I ended the night depleted and often not particularly proud of how I had shown up.

Here’s what shifted things for me. Instead of treating self-care as something that came after my kids were asleep, I started weaving it into the process itself. I would put one child to bed. Then I’d give myself two minutes. Not two minutes of anything impressive. Sometimes it was a slow bathroom break. Sometimes it was flopping on my bed and staring at the wall. Sometimes it was listening to a favorite song. Then I’d put the next child to bed, and give myself another two minutes.

What surprised me was how much those tiny pauses changed things. I was more present. My tone softened. Bedtime became smoother and quicker. It wasn’t because I was trying harder, but because my nervous system had a chance to reset.

I didn’t add more time to my evening or leave the house. Self-care doesn’t have to exist outside of your family responsibilities. And what if in-the-moment care can actually make daily routines more enjoyable?

Myth 3: Self-care is indulgent or extra

Many of us believe that self-care is a luxury. It’s something that comes after everyone else is taken care of. But real self-care isn’t indulgent. It’s relational. It’s how you stay connected to yourself while caring for others.

For me, it’s wearing earrings. Earrings bring me joy, and putting them on in the morning takes seconds, and yet it brings me back to myself. On days when I need more nurture, I might wrap myself in a shawl I love or wear my favorite shirt. Not because it’s productive, but because it offers warmth, comfort, and a sense of being held.

These micro-rituals are teeny tiny acts that take almost no time, yet bring our focus to remembering who we are instead of just what we’re responsible for.

Meeting yourself, moment by moment

Self-care, at its core, helps you remember who you are—it helps you ground into your identity, what makes you, you. Self-care isn’t something you do away from your life so you can tolerate stress later. It’s how you relate to yourself inside your life.

It’s not about feeling better forever. It’s about meeting yourself, again and again, in small, doable ways. That’s what makes it sustainable and realistic.

Instead of looking for time, we can start creating moments. And those moments that happen in split seconds, those tiny, restorative rituals, add up to something that genuinely nourishes us.

About the Author

Sonali is a parent coach, speaker, and founder of Forward Together Parenting. She’s been where you are with her own sensitive, strong-willed kids and has worked with thousands of parents worldwide. Her work is dedicated to sharing how you can confidently parent, have fun, and create lasting change that feels good.