Rethinking “Thank You”

By Sonali Vongchusiri

Yesterday, I taught my kids how to make rubber-band bracelets. At the end of the day, each of them came to me and said some form of, “Mom, thank you for showing me that.” Each of them. My eight-year-old daughter, who I knew would like it, and my tween and teen boys. It stopped me in my tracks, in the best way possible.

Their words filled me up. They gave me energy. And I realized again how deeply being appreciated fuels me. And my awe at their words filled them up, too. This spontaneous, unprompted gratitude did not come naturally. At least not for my family.

For a long time, I thought going without appreciation was part of being a mom. That maybe when our kids are grown they’ll come back to us and say thank you for those home-cooked meals, the late nights, for carting them around from activity to activity. But over the years, I’ve worked hard to teach my kids—and myself—a different way: to not just say thank you, but to want to say thank you. I wanted my family to notice and feel the impact of gratitude on both the person being thanked and the person expressing gratitude.

Because when we let “thank you” become something felt instead of something said out of habit, it can transform an ordinary moment into something extraordinary. Moments of appreciation fill both people with warmth; it energizes them, and allows both people to feel seen.

Why gratitude strengthens relationships

At the core, I see gratitude as a form of deep acknowledgment and deep consideration. It tells the other person: “I see you. I see your effort. You matter to me. Your presence and actions impact me.”

When gratitude is part of the emotional rhythm of a family, my experience has shown me it reduces defensiveness and builds trust and safety. Children who feel appreciated are more open to feedback, more willing to repair after conflict, and more likely to offer kindness in return. They also have a solid and secure sense of who they are and what they contribute to the world. And adults who feel appreciated tend to parent with more patience, empathy, and perspective.

When you say thank you to your child for their honesty, for their courage, or simply for being them, you’re doing more than teaching manners. You’re saying: “You belong. Your presence matters. All of you is treasured.” This builds safety and trust, and at the same time your appreciation actually strengthens their ability to regulate and connect.

And when your child thanks you, and you say, “Thank you for saying that,” you let them know that their appreciation reaches you. They realize that their words have power. This shared sense of being seen and valued is what deepens connection. Gratitude becomes a small, daily bridge between you and your child.

The deep need to be appreciated, even in hard moments

I like to think of the need to be appreciated as a core emotional need. It’s easy, especially on busy days, to notice what’s missing, what hasn’t been done, what’s wrong—and leave unnoticed what is going right. 

I remember feeling baffled at the concept of appreciation several years ago. How can I find something to appreciate when my kids are screaming over a toy truck and they both claim they had it first? I had it in my head that I needed things to calm down first, and then I’d be able to appreciate them.

It actually worked the other way for me. The more I sent my kids the message that I didn’t appreciate their behavior, the more the fighting and defensiveness increased. Despite my efforts and desire for my family to feel good, it wasn’t teaching them right from wrong—it was telling them parts of them were wrong.

One day, at my wits end, while my kids were fighting, instead of saying, “Stop arguing,” or “Why did you take it?” I heard myself say, “I’m so glad that I’m here with you both right now.”

The screaming stopped. The defensiveness fizzled. I could literally feel their bodies relax as they stopped bracing for criticism from me. As their eyes turned to me, I felt them soften and become more receptive to my guidance as I kneeled down next to them. 

So in moments where I didn’t like what was happening I started saying, “I’m so glad that…” and challenging myself to finish the sentence. 

“I’m so glad that you’re telling me that.” Even if they were telling me something tough to hear.

“I’m so glad that you know it’s important to express your emotions.” Even if they were screaming, because it made guiding their behavior with my next sentence so much easier.

“I’m glad that this happened because…” When I was secretly wishing it hadn’t happened. This phrase allowed me to see the importance of every experience, even the challenging ones.

“I’m so glad that I’m aware I’m feeling unappreciated.” For myself when I felt taken for granted.

And I could feel my energy shift from rejecting and resisting to appreciating. It taught me that gratitude isn’t only for easy days when everything goes as planned. What I’ve experienced is that it’s most transformative on hard ones.

While these “I’m so glad…” statements don’t fix conflict or struggle, they do bring down defensiveness in a way that feels magical. They remind us that I’m not against you, I’m with you, and that it’s not that I appreciate parts of you and not others—I appreciate all of you and all of you matters, even when I don’t know how to help you, how to respond, or there isn’t a clear right or wrong.

The felt sense of gratitude

I like to think of “thank you” as not just words but as a feeling. You can say thank you out of habit, or you can feel it. And when you feel it, there’s a sensation in your body. For me, a heartfelt thank you, either when I’m giving it or receiving it, feels like a flower blooming inside my chest. When I bring that felt sense of gratitude into my voice and my eyes, my energy changes. My children don’t just hear my words, they feel my appreciation of them.

And I believe that’s true for all of us. And this is what we all really want for our kids: not just to say thank you, but to feel grateful. To want to feel it. To know what it feels like in their body when they acknowledge the good in someone else, in a moment, or in themselves, and to want to feel that feeling and want those around them to feel that feeling, too. 

That feeling is what anchors them. It’s what helps them appreciate the good even when it’s tough, even when they have challenging experiences. This is what makes gratitude not just an act of manners but a way of being.

Rethinking “thank you”

So now that we know what we want—a felt sense of gratitude—how do we get there? I’ve found the smallest tweaks in “thank you” can take it from words to a feeling. 

When your child says, “Thank you,” it can be easy to reply automatically with, “You’re welcome.” I’ve found that when I reply with, “Thank you for saying that,” instead, it helps them feel how powerful their words are. It teaches them that their gratitude meant something to you. It feels like we’re in this gratitude loop together.

Here’s a quick summary of some easy ways to amplify appreciation:

• Instead of: “You’re welcome,” try: “Thank you for saying that.”
• After your child shares, before responding to what they said, try: “I’m so glad you told me.”
• Use “like” to communicate gratitude: “I like that you’re my kid.”
• Appreciate tough moments with “I’m so glad…” statements: “I’m so glad we’re talking about this.”
• Appreciate their tough moments: “Thank you for your courage in hearing that.” Perhaps after you shared something to correct their behavior. You’ve heard of “connect then correct”. Think of this as the next step: connecting after correcting.

The daily practice of thank you

Gratitude doesn’t require big moments. It’s built through small ones, which are often the ones that might otherwise go unnoticed. Those moments add up. They create an atmosphere of appreciation, a rhythm of thankfulness that reminds everyone that all parts of us belong here, even the parts of us we struggle with. All of us is treasured. 

Gratitude isn’t about being perfect or pretending things are fine. Felt gratitude is about being real and honest with ourselves and others—it’s not forced positivity. It’s about finding the goodness that’s already here and naming it, so that it can grow.

And sometimes, it’s as simple as saying, “Thank you. I’m so glad you’re here.”

So, thank you. I’m so glad you’re here reading this article. And I’m so glad I got to share these ideas around gratitude with you.

About the Author

Sonali is a parent coach, speaker, and founder of Forward Together Parenting. She’s been where you are with her own sensitive, strong-willed kids and has worked with thousands of parents worldwide. Her work is dedicated to sharing how you can confidently parent, have fun, and create lasting change that feels good.