Supporting a Partner Through Pregnancy Loss
By Anatta (Anna) Zarchi
When we talk about grieving, people often think of losing a loved one—family, friends, an old classmate, someone you already know. But how do you grieve the loss of someone you’ve yet to meet but already love so dearly, someone who was physically part of you? Grieving is a highly individual and sensitive process, and grieving a pregnancy loss can be distinctly different from grieving other losses. Other losses are heavily based on past and present relationships and events, while pregnancy loss is based on dreams and hopes for the future. To face a pregnancy loss is to grieve something that hasn’t yet come to be. This is something that many people may not be able to understand unless they’ve experienced it themselves. This often poses a challenge to those trying to support their partner through such a loss. In this article, our counselors at NCS share some gentle tips and insights to help you understand and navigate this together.
Different ways of experiencing grief
For many, pregnancy loss feels like a personal failing, as if their body is against them. This results in self-blame, a belief that they are at fault for the loss of the pregnancy, even if they know rationally that this wasn’t something they could control. They might also feel worthless, alienated, or constantly scared, which affects their overall sense of identity. People grieving this kind of loss often withdraw, both physically and emotionally. They may become unusually quiet or snappy and irritable. Some people might be less expressive about their grief, but that doesn’t mean it weighs on them any less. Even if a person says that they are fine, behavior and words that are out-of-character can be indicative of their pain.
It’s important to remember that pregnancy loss can cause a lot of hormonal changes. Therefore, it is essential to help your partner take care of themself both physically and emotionally while their hormones readjust. NCS Counselor Johanna explains that this type of loss can make couples feel disconnected as each person processes the loss in their own way, and can be a reason why couples that experience pregnancy loss have an increased chance of separation. Counselor Joy adds that some people may cope by bottling up their emotions and throwing themselves into work or other hobbies to distract themselves, which can increase the divide and make their partner feel isolated. Couples who experience pregnancy loss often fear that they will not be able to conceive again, or that they will lose another child the same way. This ever-present fear can cause a lot of stress and trauma, and therefore, it is important to be understanding of each other.
Being there is the best support
As with other types of losses, there are certain phrases that we typically use to cheer someone up. For example, “I know exactly how you feel” or “Forget it, we’re still young, we can try again later”. However, these phrases often unintentionally cause pain, even if they are well-meaning. So what does good support look like beyond saying the right words, which are terribly difficult to find in such situations? Our counselors are all in agreement: the best way to show support is to simply be there. Be present, show that you care, do things for them. Most importantly, acknowledge their pain instead of brushing it away or minimizing it, even if it’s with the intention of cheering them up. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to immediately lessen the pain, but it’s always better to know that there is someone weathering the storm with you, rather than leaving you alone in the rain. In some situations, pain needs to be felt in its deepest form before we can slowly heal.
Giving each other space, but not too much space
That being said, some people need more space to cope, but that doesn’t mean you should completely live your own lives and not interact or talk about it at all. You can provide quiet support in the background while still giving them space. For example, make breakfast and leave it out for them before you go to work, help out with chores around the house to lessen their burden, or do something for them that still gives them the space they need to grieve.
When people experience a loss, we often tell them to let us know if they need anything, or if there’s anything we can do for them. But the truth is, most people don’t know what they need during this time, or if they do need something, they’re too scared to express that need. A user on TikTok shared that while she was grieving the loss of a family member, someone got her a coloring book, and though she didn’t ask for it, it helped her pass the days where she didn’t know what else to do or how else to cope. She didn’t know she wanted it, but it helped her immensely. On the other hand, when people told her to let them know if she needed anything, she wasn’t able to answer. This is why it can be more effective to simply show up than to ask what someone needs. You could do something similar for your partner, especially if there’s something they particularly like doing.
This way, you are showing up for them even while giving them space. The most important thing is to understand what each partner needs during this time and find a way to balance those needs. Although communicating can feel difficult during this time, it is important you try every once in a while to build understanding regarding your different styles of grieving.
Talking about your loss
Pregnancy loss tends to affect emotional and physical intimacy, whether due to a fear of being close, shame, hiding your own pain in order not to burden each other, or shutting down from the person you experienced the loss or the perceived “failure” with. How you rebuild your relationship depends on your own individual grieving styles and your own timeline. It is important to be there for each other and to talk about the loss together. If your partner needs some space, this conversation may come later when they are ready. For example, you could say, “Take all the space you need. Maybe we can talk about it in a few weeks if you’re feeling okay. I’m here whenever you’re ready. I’m grieving too and I don’t want this loss to bring us apart. I love you.” If you are struggling with intimacy, Counselor Johanna recommends starting by simply holding each other without any other physical expectations, so that you can slowly feel comfortable being close again.
Finally, I would like to emphasize that this is a deeply sensitive topic, and you don’t need to figure it out on your own, even if it feels like it. It is always okay to lean on those who care about you. There are also various support groups both online and in-person that you could join to connect with those who have experienced similar losses. If you are struggling to rebuild your relationship or would like guidance on how to navigate your loss or be there for your partner, you can always reach out to a counselor for professional support. Our counselors are here for you, and so are your loved ones.
About the Author
Anna works for New Counseling Service (NCS), an internationally recognized mental health center in Bangkok with a diverse team of licensed counselors. NCS has provided counseling services in Thailand and surrounding regions for over 20 years, with therapists specializing in a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, depression, work stress, relationships, and more. ncsbkk.com/ncs/